A wolf had been badly wounded by dogs. He lay sick and maimed in his lair.
He felt very hungry and thirsty. When a sheep passed by, he asked him to fetch some water from the stream.
"If you bring me the water," he said, "I will find means to get some food."
"Yes," said the sheep, "if I bring you the water, you would undoubtedly make me your food."
I'm Trying to Stop It
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
第一篇：风和太阳(The Wind And The sun)
One day the wind said to the sun, “Look at that man walking along the road. I can get his cloak off more quickly than you can.” “We will see about that,” said the sun. “I will let you try first.” So the wind tried to make the man take offhis cloak. He blew and blew, but the man only pulled his cloak more closely around himself. “I give up,” said the wind at last. “I cannot get his cloak off.” Then the sun tried. He shone as hard as he could. The man soon became hot and took off his cloak.
(有一天风跟太阳说: “看看那个沿着路上走的人.我可以比你快让他把披风脱下来.) (“我们等着看吧,”太阳说, “我让你先试.) (因此风尝试让那个人把披风脱下来.他用力地吹,可是那个人把披风拉得更紧.) (“我放弃了,”风最后说, “我无法让他把披风脱下来.”然后由太阳试试看.他尽可能地晒他.不久,那个人很热就把披风脱下来了.)
The lion and the fox the lion once said that he was sick on his death bed. So he asked all the animals to come and listen to his last wishes. the goat came to the lion’s cave. He stood there and listened for a long time. then a sheep went in. Before she came out, a rabbit entered to hear the last wishes of the king of beasts. But soon the lion seemed to recover, and went to the mouth of his cave. He saw a fox waiting outside. “Why don’t you come in?“ asked the lion to the fox. “I beg Your Majesty’s pardon,“ said the fox, “I have seen many animals enter your cave, but none of them come out. Till they come out again, I prefer to wait outside.“
一头年老的狮子声称自己病得要死了，他告诉所有的动物来听他的临终遗言。 一只山羊进入狮子的洞穴，并一直留在那里，接着一只绵羊也进去了。之前，一只兔子也曾进去听这兽中之王的临终遗言。 但是不久，狮子好像康复了，能走到洞口了，他看到狐狸站在洞口，就问：“你为什么不进来呢？” “尊敬的殿下，”狐狸回答说，“如果我没发现只有进去的脚印，没有一个出来的脚印，我也许会进洞去。”
The Old Cat An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."
A man was going to the house of some rich person. As he went along the road, he saw a box of good apples at the side of the road. He said, "I do not want to eat those apples; for the rich man will give me much food; he will give me very nice food to eat." Then he took the apples and threw them away into the dust.He went on and came to a river. The river had become very big; so he could not go over it. He waited for some time; then he said, "I cannot go to the rich man's house today, for I cannot get over the river." He began to go home. He had eaten no food that day. He began to want food. He came to the apples, and he was glad to take them out of the dust and eat them. Do not throw good things away; you may be glad to have them at some other time.
The wolf in sheep''s clothingA wolf wanted to eat the sheep, but he was afraid of the vigilant shepherd and his dogs. One day the wolf found the skin of a sheep. He put it on and walked among the sheep. A lamb thought that the wolf was its mother because his skin looked like hers. So it followed the wolf. Soon after they had left the dogs, the wolf came at the lamb and ate it up. For some time he succeeded in deceiving the sheep, and enjoying hearty meals.
狼想吃羊，但是他害怕警惕的牧羊人和牧羊犬。 有一天狼发现了一块羊皮，便披着它混入羊群。 一只小羊羔把这只狼误认为自己的妈妈，被领出了羊群。 狼成功地欺骗了羊群，吃掉了小羊羔。 寓意：事物的外表有时候会掩盖它的本质，所以我们不能只凭表面现象就作判断。
An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it.
Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."
One day,a little monkey is playing by the well. 一天，有只小猴子在井边玩儿。
He looks in the well and shouts : 它往井里一瞧，高喊道：
“Oh!My god!The moon has fallen into the well!” “噢！我的天！月亮掉到井里头啦！”
An older monkeys runs over, takes a look,and says, 一只大猴子跑来一看，说，
“Goodness me!The moon is really in the water!” “糟啦！月亮掉在井里头啦！”
And olderly monkey comes over. 老猴子也跑过来。
He is very surprised as well and cries out: 他也非常惊奇，喊道：
“The moon is in the well.” “糟了，月亮掉在井里头了！”
A group of monkeys run over to the well . 一群猴子跑到井边来，
They look at the moon in the well and shout: 他们看到井里的月亮，喊道：
“The moon did fall into the well!Come on!Let’get it out!”
Then,the oldest monkey hangs on the tree up side down ,with his feet on the branch .
And he pulls the next monkey’s feet with his hands. 拉住大猴子的脚，
All the other monkeys follow his suit, 其他的猴子一个个跟着，
And they join each other one by one down to the moon in the well.
Just before they reach the moon,the oldest monkey raises his head and happens to see the moon in the sky, 正好他们摸到月亮的时候，老猴子抬头发现月亮挂在天上呢
He yells excitedly “Don’t be so foolish!The moon is still in the sky!”