A polite request
If you park your car in the wrong place, a traffic policeman will soon find it. You will be very lucky if he lets you go without a ticket. However, this does not always happen. Traffic police are sometimes very polite. During a holiday in Sweden, I found this note on my car: 'sir, we welcome you to our city. This is a "No Parking" area. You will enjoy your stay here if you pay attention to our street signs. This note is only a reminder.' If you receive a request like this, you cannot fail to obey it!
My aunt Jennifer is an actress. She must be at least thirty-five years old. In spite of this, she often appears on the stage as a young girl. Jennifer will have to take part in a new play soon. This time, she will be a girl of seventeen. In the play, she must appear in a bright red dress and long black stockings. Last year in another play, she had to wear short socks and a bright, orange-coloured dress. If anyone ever asks her how old she is, she always answers, 'Darling, it must be terrible to be grown up!'
He often does this!
After I had had lunch at a village pub, I looked for my bag. I had left it on a chair beside the door and now it wasn't there! As I was looking for it, the landlord came in.
'Did you have a good meal?" he asked.
'Yes, thank you,' I answered, 'but I can't pay the bill. I haven't got my bag.'
The landlord smiled and immediately went out. In a few minutes he returned with my bag and gave it back to me.
'I'm very sorry,' he said. 'My dog had taken in into the garden. He often does this!'
'The play may begin at any moment,' I said.
'It may have begun already,' Susan answered.
I hurried to the ticket office. 'May I have two tickets please?' I asked.
'I'm sorry, we've sold out,' the girl said.
'What a pity!' Susan exclaimed.
Just then, a man hurried to the ticket office.
'Can I return these two tickets?' he asked.
'Certainly,' the girl said.
I went back to the ticket office at once.
'Could I have those two tickets please?' I asked.
'Certainly,' the girl said, 'but they're for next Wednesday's performance. Do you still want them?'
'I might as well have them,' I said sadly.
One man in a boat
Fishing is my favourite sport. I often fish for hours without catching anything. But this does not worry me. Some fishermen are unlucky. Instead of catching fish, they catch old boots and rubbish. I am even less lucky. I never catch anything -- not even old boots. After having spent whole mornings on the river, I always go home with an empty bag. 'You must give up fishing!' my friends say. 'It's a waste of time.' But they don't realize one important thing. I'm not really interested in fishing. I am only interested in sitting in a boat and doing nothing at all!
钓鱼是我特别喜爱的一项运动。我经常一钓数小时却一无所获，但我从不为此烦恼。有些垂钓者就是不走运，他们往往鱼钓不到，却钓上来些旧靴子和垃圾。我的运气甚至还不及他们。我什么东西也未钓到过 -- 就连旧靴子也没有。我总是在河上呆上整整一上午，然后空着袋子回家。“你可别再钓鱼了！”我的朋友们说，“这是浪费时间。”然而他们没有认识到重要的一点，我并不是真的对钓鱼有兴趣，我感兴趣的只是独坐孤舟，无所事事！
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
2.Whose Father Was the Stronger
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, “Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father's the one who dug the hole for it.”
Bill wasn't impressed, “Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father's the one who killed it!”
威尔和比尔在为谁的父亲更强壮而争吵。威尔说： “ 喏，你知道太平洋吗？就是我爸爸为它挖的洞。 ”
比尔不屑一顾： “ 噢，那没什么。你知道死海吗？那是我爸爸杀死的。 ”
3.I Need Your Football
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out to play? ”
“ No,” said the mother, “it's too cold. ”
“ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ”
“ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ”
“ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？ ”
4.Send the Bill to My Father
Doctor： 〃I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.〃
Patient： 〃then send the bill to my father，please.〃
A young business man had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."
6. whats puberty(青春期) One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what's puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.
A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children."
"What do you think of that?" my wife asked.
"I'm not sure," Peggy relied. "I've always been able to bear children. It's adults I can't bear.".
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。
The teacher told the class the story of a man who swam a river three times before breakfast.
"Do you doubt that a good swimmer could do that?" asked the teacher.
"No, sir," answered Johnny, "but I wonder why he did not swim it four times and get back to the side where his clothes were."
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
He said, "Damn if I know."
She was a little put out(激怒) by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"
"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"
9.Why he couldn't leave?
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.
The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."
"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker."
Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"
After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.
"Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?"
Mother’s Day comes on the second Sunday in May each year. On that day this year, I bought a sweater and some flowers for my mother to thank her for her hard work for me. Receiving my gift, my mother was very happy.